Man of the Month
January's Most Milkable
After rigorous analysis of content output, cringe metrics, and obliviousness scores
Gerald "Gary" Pemberton III
LinkedIn Thought Leader
Latest Milk:"Posted 47-paragraph story about how firing his assistant taught him leadership"
Full Score Breakdown
Think you can beat this score?
Official Rankings
The Milkability Leaderboard
Click any row to expand and see full stats. Updated monthly based on observed content output.
LinkedIn Thought Leader
Latest Milk:"Posted 47-paragraph story about how firing his assistant taught him leadership"
Web3 Evangelist
Latest Milk:"Announced his 14th "revolutionary" NFT project this quarter"
Alpha Male Podcaster
Latest Milk:"Explained how eating raw eggs makes you "mentally dominant""
Serial Entrepreneur
Latest Milk:"Tweeted "Sleep is for people who aren't changing the world" at 3am"
Motivational Speaker
Latest Milk:"Shared his morning routine that starts at 3:47am for "maximum optimization""
VC Partner
Latest Milk:"Said "We're not in a bubble" while announcing layoffs at 3 portfolio companies"
Life Coach
Latest Milk:"Claimed he manifested a parking spot using "quantum intention""
Tech Bro
Latest Milk:"Pitched an "Uber for toothbrushes" and got $2M seed funding"
The Science
The Milkability Index
Our proprietary scoring system evaluates men across six key dimensions
The Formula
Obliviousness QuotientOQ
How unaware they are of being observed and analyzed. The truly milkable man never suspects he's the content.
Quotability FactorQF
Frequency of producing statements worthy of screenshot. Viral potential per utterance.
Content DensityCD
Volume of exploitable material generated per week. Posts, interviews, public appearances.
Consistency RatingCR
Reliability of delivering milkable moments. No dry spells. Always producing.
Cringe CoefficientCC
Intensity of second-hand embarrassment generated per incident. Quality over quantity.
Public AccessibilityPA
Ease of observation. Social media activity, public presence, willingness to be interviewed.
Know a Milkable Man?
Submit your nomination with evidence. Our panel of expert observers will evaluate the candidate and assign preliminary scores.
Frequently Asked Questions
What makes a man "milkable"?
A milkable man consistently produces entertaining content without realizing it. They are oblivious to their own absurdity, making them an inexhaustible source of amusement for observers.
How are scores calculated?
Our proprietary Milkability Index combines six weighted metrics: Obliviousness Quotient (25%), Quotability Factor (20%), Content Density (15%), Consistency Rating (15%), Cringe Coefficient (15%), and Public Accessibility (10%).
Can a milkable man lose their ranking?
Yes. Self-awareness is the death of milkability. If a man becomes aware of their status and changes their behavior, their Obliviousness Quotient drops dramatically, often removing them from the leaderboard entirely.
Is this real?
The Milkability Index is a satirical project celebrating the absurdity of internet culture. No actual men were harmed in the making of these rankings. All characters are fictional.